you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
