so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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