Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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