if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
