Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
