i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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