i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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