I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
How external is "for external use only"?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
