WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
