i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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