I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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