It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
