i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
