I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
