I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Mom said you looked used
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
