My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
