Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I've blown a few things in my day
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize