I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
