im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
