My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
