please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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