You're a womanizer and a bitch.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
