i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
