So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
