Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
