The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
