Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
