I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
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