i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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