i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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