Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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