apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
