omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
