Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
