Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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