Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
