DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Randomize
