she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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