now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
