Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
