My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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