my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
