I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
