News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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