I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
