____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
