I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
