It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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