He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
