That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
