I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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