Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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