i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
How many fucks given?
0.12846
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
