you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
