The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
