Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
