Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
