I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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