I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
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