On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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