he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
