Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
