fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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