maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
