I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
