I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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