Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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