There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
