Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
