Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
