he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
